Well...

I'm feeling a little restless.  I learned yesterday morning that my dad died.  His service is on Monday morning, I have to have the rental car back by Tuesday at noon, I'm sitting here by myself contemplating the 16 hours worth of driving I have left to do and really...I'm just restless.

This time was not a shock to me.  It wasn't sudden and it didn't take me by surprise.  I've been watching his deterioration now for just over 3 years.  At first it was his heart.  He couldn't walk too far, but he tried.  Then he went to bed and just...never got up.  He started declining pretty rapidly after that.  He stopped being able to get up and down by himself, he stopped being able to bathe himself, he stopped driving.

He started drinking ALL the soda.  Like, a twelve pack at a time.  He wouldn't drink anything else, and if they couldn't afford to buy it, he would pester and pout until I broke down and bought it for him.  My bad.

Then the stuff he was eating.  Mostly fried southern foods and Hamburger Helper.  Exactly what ever heart patient needs.

Then he started skipping doctor's appointments.  That's where I stopped giving a shit.

Anyway, the doctors finally managed to convince him to make his health a priority, but by then it was too late.  His kidneys started failing, his developed cirrhosis (how can I know how to spell "cirrhosis," but spelling "kidneys" threw me?), he couldn't sit up straight...

So I knew it was imminent.  And I'm a terrible person because my first thought was, "God, he couldn't have kicked it at a more convenient time?"  I just started a new job, my car broke down, I'm out of money.  Then my second thought was, "Well, at least I can get my magnets I forgot."

I haven't cried yet.  It's almost not quite real.  And I have a feeling I'll always feel like it's a little unreal.  He's being cremated (probably already has been) so that final proof has been taken from me.  Will I cry?  I did for Mom.  In private.  Had a couple of really horrifying dreams.  So probably.  We'll see.